Understanding the Pathway from Emotion to Expression

Understanding the Pathway from Emotion to Expression

 

One of the most common reasons that communication is unproductive is because accountability is misplaced.  I do not mean that the wrong person or persons are held, or not held, accountable.  I mean that a person or person misunderstands what is being judged.

Emotions (or feelings) are fundamentally human.  Information is received by a person and there is often a response that is felt.  We get information from sensory input:  We see, hear, touch, taste, and smell things.  We also have memories of previous experiences that can stir an emotion within us.  These feelings are unconscious and they come from the most primitive parts of our brains.  These feelings are always valid.  They mean something to us.  They should not be dismissed.  Each individual absolutely has the right to his or her feelings and should not be expected by anyone else to feel differently.  These feelings are invisible and inaccessible to anyone outside of the individual.  It is absolutely unfair to judge someone because of what he or she feels.  

Expression is any exhibition of behavior.  These are choices we make.  These are the things that are visible.  These are the manifestations that project to the world our response to the input we received.  

The good news is that efficient pathways exist between emotions and expression.  We can add steps between the two in order to better direct our output and be more likely to get a desired reaction.  The first tool that we have to refine feelings is thought.  Thoughts are created, not spontaneous.  Our conscious mind is responsible for thought and we inevitably learn how to evaluate what we are feeling.  Thoughts are yours, and they are internal.  You are slightly more accountable for your thoughts because you consciously created them, but because they are not accessible to anyone else, you still cannot be judged for them.  Next is language, both written and spoken.  Language is essentially projecting your thoughts publicly.  This is the point in which we have crossed from internal to external.  Now there will absolutely be judgement.  Now you are absolutely accountable.  Now there is communication.  At least two parties are involved, and you are now responsible for generating something that can be reacted to by another.  Finally, there is behavior.  This is when you do something that can be seen, heard, smelled, tasted, and felt by those around you.  Complete judgement.  Complete accountability.  

The pathway can be direct.  You have seen this.  Infants have a direct pathway.  When they feel, they react.  If they feel angry or afraid, they cry.  Feelings directly elicit a behavior.  This is a very easy model requiring no learned skills, but it is also a very inefficient model.  Of all the people who experience this behavior from the baby, only someone already concerned will respond in a way that is helpful to the baby.  The loving parent of the baby will attempt to determine a way to create a different feeling in the baby.  Sometimes easily, sometimes requiring more effort.  

Consider this scenario- You’re in a public crowd, maybe in an airplane, in a restaurant, or in a store.  An infant is screaming.  A desperate mother is attempting to console the baby through mostly guesswork.  Maybe hungry?  Maybe tired?  Maybe wet?  Maybe just annoyed.  In any case, the baby’s communication is LOUD and unspecific. (I know moms; babies have very specific cries for specific needs.  But only after they learn them, and they must also be learned by the mother) Ok, how did you mentally respond to the baby’s behavior?  Maybe you felt sorry for the mom and wanted to help.  Maybe you were annoyed and wanted to get them away from you.  The point is, your reaction wasn’t to the baby’s feelings.  You reacted to the baby’s actions.  

How about this one- A teenager feels wronged by rule or judgement, and acts out in protest.  Perhaps it’s only a verbal tirade.  Maybe it is an act of defiance.  Maybe it’s withdrawal.  Could merely be a dramatic sigh and eye roll, but there is a definite action.  What do you think? Whatever your response, it was to the behavior.  Perhaps you considered the feeling the teen was attempting to display, and I hope you did, but you the proper place for accountability lies with the behavior and not the feelings.  

Last one- Slightly different.  You’re having a bad day.  I mean the worst.  It seems that nothing has gone right and that every bit of sensory input and recollection of experience that you have had has been negative.  You’re sad or mad or both.  For something silly, you lash out at who is near you (your significant other, or your parent, or a friend).  The response from this person is measured and thoughtful.  Somehow, in response to your poor behavior, this wise and gracious soul determined that your behavior that you are fully accountable for should not be reacted to in the way in which you deserve.  This person knows exactly the right things to say.  How did you mentally react to this one?  I think most of us want to think that we appreciate this person, and that we will choose our behavior more carefully next time.  If we’re honest, is that what we actually do, or does it occur again and again because we tend to take advantage of the fact that we don’t have to change our behavior to have someone attend to our wants and needs?  Oh yeah, one more thing…  If we repeat the exercise and replace our loved one with a stranger, does it change the scenario for you?   

I realize that I used progressing age groups in the previous examples.  Don’t take that to mean that the skill of using thought to develop mindful behaviors happens automatically with age.  It must be practiced.  A well-practiced youngster can understand his or her responsibility for behavior, and a grown person who has never figured it out can be just as reckless by acting out with unbridled emotion.  

One last note about practicing being responsible.  Like many other skills, the better you get, the faster you can be without error.  When you are just starting out, taking time to respond to others words or actions, or even to sensory input and your own emotions, is a way to reduce the likelihood of doing or saying something you’ll not want to stand behind.  

Comment below to let me know if you have had an experience with misplaced accountability, and share this with others who you think would appreciate it.